It was announced earlier this week by the Justice Department that one Allah Mohammed bin Razul Atta Abdul Mahadin Rasi was taken into custody at the Miami International Airport for alleged security violations. According to officials from the Department of Homeland Security and the NSA, when detained Mr. Rasi had in his possession a thermonuclear device. Reports are that he was boarding a flight from Miami to Washington, DC when a fellow passenger noticed blisters rising on the face and hands of the gate agent. Mr. Rasi was traveling under a US passport and it has been determined that his real name is Roddie Wilson of Fort Smith, Arkansas.

Since Mr. Rasi/Wilson was clothed in full Arab garb at the time of this incident, special permission from the Department of Transportation and the Human Rights organization Amnesty International had to be obtained before any questioning could take place. It is reported that both Secretary Mineta and Amnesty International refused to sanction this search so the Miami Airport had to be closed while a court order was obtained and an affidavit filed swearing that Mr. Rasi was not the victim of racial profiling. Fifty people in the immediate gate area were treated at the scene for radiation exposure. The alleged thermonuclear device in question was in two components and clearly marked in Russian, English and French as a radiation hazard.

A spokesman for the newly federalized Security Screeners (SS) stated that she had no idea how these rather large bright yellow cases got through the detectors. It was made clear that any action taken against the gate security agent involved would have to go through the union lawyers and would in no way affect anyone's pay or job status. The actual gate security screener…. a Mr. Mujadan stated that he was too busy searching pilots, flight attendants, and American military personnel to have noticed Mr. Rasi. Besides, in the random selection process set up by the FAA, anyone appearing to be of Middle Eastern descent is automatically omitted from scrutiny.

Mr. Rasi, although an American citizen was named as a war combatant and transported to an undisclosed military base for further questioning. There was an immediate outcry from faculty members at several major universities. A manifesto was issued by the Berkley, California City Council requesting that Mr. Rasi be released straight away. Mr. Rasi's lawyers, supplied free of charge by the ACLU, suggested that Mr. Rasi's luggage may have been illegally searched and that they would be filing a motion to have his thermonuclear device returned forthwith. Additionally, Mr. Rasi's attorney stated that the detonation of a thermonuclear device on government property fell under the definition of protected political speech.

Reuters News Agency filed a defamation lawsuit on Mr. Rasi's behalf due to accounts on the Fox News Network that referred to Mr. Rasi as an "alleged terrorist." The suit objected to the term "terrorist" and instead would like to see Mr. Rasi referred to as an "alleged freedom fighter." Former President Carter suggested that Mr. Rasi either be turned over to a neutral party such as the Cuban Government or that the United States unconditionally surrender to avoid further conflict with the Moslem world. Pressed to reveal to whom the USA should surrender, the former President suggested we get the United Nations Security Council, currently being chaired by Syria, to appoint a receiving nation. Iraq immediately volunteered.

The Democratic Party's National Committee claimed that the Bush administration may have been behind this attempted attack and wanted the President's children's school records turned over the Senate Select Committee on investigating Republicans. The committee voted to secure these records 12-1 in a strict party line vote. In order to assure the public that everything was being done to both protect the people and to line up votes for the fall election, Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle announced that a thermonuclear device had been sent to his office several days prior to the Miami incident. The US Postal Service workers in Washington immediately went on strike.