Shortcuts are good when the subject is navigation. When the subject is food processing, shortcuts are generally bad for the consumer. Two of my biggest complaints on that subject concern weenies and tuna fish. Today let’s talk about tuna fish.

Those of us who have been eating canned tuna fish all our lives and have lived three or more decades can be considered experts provided our memories still function. I remember when you could open a can of Chunk Light tuna, turn the can over and the contents would come out in one piece. Chunk meant chunk instead of used to be a chunk before they mashed it.

Somewhere along the way, the tuna tycoons made some shortcuts. No doubt some Einstein, angling for promotion, stood up at a board meeting and suggested that if they added a little water to the product while reducing the amount of fish, they would make a whole gob of money. Hey, water is a lot cheaper than fish. If it was done incrementally, it was probably reasoned that the public would never notice. I don’t know how long this went on—occasionally adding a little more water and reducing a little more fish. At some point they likely realized that adding more water would become illegal. When the can contained more water than fish they would be legally forced to rename the product Water with Tuna Fish.

One day I went to make myself a tuna fish sandwich and the whole scam became clear. After opening a can in the sink, I left the top on the can, and pressed down on it to drain the water.  I must‘ve pressed too hard because the top bent in the middle and squirted me in the face with tuna fish slurry. What a mess! After giving the can, Starkist and Charlie Tuna a sample of my best profanity, I had to wash my face and glasses before making the sandwich.

It was reasonable to assume that others had experienced the same problem so I went to the Internet and discovered a website dedicated to the tuna fish crisis. There were dozens of reports that all the other brands of tuna had also been watered down. They used terms like tuna puree, mush and ground-up leftovers from the bottom of the processing bin.

I wrote a letter of complaint to Starkist, pointing out all the problems I’ve mentioned here. A couple of weeks later I got a reply from a woman who was obviously hired to answer complaints and assure complainers that Starkist products are the very finest and those who differ are full of crap. Her letter claimed that my fish in a can contained actual chunks, not slushy material as I claimed. She further declared that the product was perfect when it left the factory and if something happened to it after that, it was not the responsibility of Starkist. I can’t imagine what could be done to a sealed can to produce what I experienced. Anyway, she suggested that instead of the old-fashioned can, I should try their new package, the Flavor Fresh Pouch. To further persuade me, she included a handful of coupons.

This happened some time ago and I haven’t bought another can of tuna fish since. I noticed though that I was right about the amount of water. They say that the new 3 oz. packets of tuna fish are equal to the 6oz. cans. Lately however, I’ve noticed that they are now putting water in their Flavor Fresh Pouches. I can barely get one sandwich per packet. I expect they will increase the water for the same reason they did before—the bottom line. Water will always be cheaper than tuna fish.